Dellasie on finding the words for talking to her son

I found a lump in the shower the next day. I didn’t think it was breast cancer, but my little sister pushed me to go and get it checked out.  

I had a few different tests, including nine different biopsies of my breast. But it was only when I went into my appointment and saw that there were three people in there that I started to worry. Still in my head, I was hopeful, but the doctor sat me down and got straight to it. 

“I'm sorry to tell you, but you have breast cancer”.  

The first thing I thought about was my son. It was three days before his third birthday. I'm a single parent and I'm all he has. I was 28. I just burst into tears.

Talking to my son

I always tried to be brave for my son, but I knew it was very hard for him. There were times during treatment that I couldn't get him to nursery because I wasn’t well enough and he had to stay with various different family members. It was all really unsettling for him.

I had to find a way to explain to him what was going on but he was so young; how do you tell a 3 year old that his mum has cancer in a way he understands?

He loves to read, so I made him a book about ‘Mum’s visit to the Royal Marsden’. I took photos of the staff, of me in the chemo chair with the cold cap on, of the medication in my arm. I would read it to him as often as possible to help him understand.

He witnessed a lot, like me throwing up or being too tired to get out of bed. As a mother you feel guilty for being fatigued.

I know I'm doing my best but sometimes I feel frustrated that I can't shake the fatigue to be there for him, cook for him, do activities and go out all the time.

Finding Maggie’s

I found Maggie's about halfway through chemo. My friend Eloise told me to come here. It feels like a home away from home and you can forget that you’re in the hospital. When I came to Maggie’s, I would just chill. I even take my shoes off here I’m so relaxed.

I wasn’t working, but my employers made an error which meant I wasn’t receiving the benefits I was entitled to. I was falling into debt and I wasn’t able to pay my rent. 

I applied for PIP but my application was declined. It was a nightmare until Maggie’s stepped in.

Robert, the benefits advisor, helped me to appeal this at a tribunal, where we won the case. It was an awful experience being interrogated like I’d done something wrong.

I'm really glad that I had the support of Robert. He really fought for me. I don't think I would have won the case had I not had Maggie's in my corner. 

Having that money coming in allowed me to clear a lot of my debts. It was my only source of income.

I didn’t have to worry about food, petrol, the basics. I don't know what I would have done without that money. I would have fallen into more debt, I’d probably have been evicted and I'd be in a much worse state than I am now.

What kept me going

Whenever I felt like giving up, I would think about my son and how he needs me. He can tell when I’m feeling low and he will just come and give me a cuddle or a kiss. He’s the sweetest boy. He's the reason I've kept going; without him I think I might have done something really major. 

The best tip I have is just to be easy on yourself. Give yourself grace. Your body and your mind have been through a lot. Just do what makes you happy.

If it's taking time out of work, do it. If you want to go on holiday, do it. Don't waste time thinking about what people think.

I used to compare myself to people who went back to the gym or went back to work but I’m taking it easy on myself.

I don't care what anyone has to say, I'm literally taking each day as it comes back with no pressure from the world or society.

We’re here with you

Our cancer support specialists, psychologists and benefits advisors are here for everyone with cancer, and all the people who love them.

Come and see us at your nearest Maggie’s, call us on 0300 123 180 or email us at enquiries@maggies.org