10 tips for speaking to someone with cancer

A recent Maggie's survey showed that 44% of people polled are worried about making conversation with a friend or family member who has been diagnosed with cancer.

And since the support of friends and family can make a huge difference to someone's experience when they are facing cancer, we are here to help.

Robin Muir, psychologist and centre head at Maggie's in Manchester, acknowledges the difficulty people have.

"It can be very stressful to find a balance between showing you care without upsetting someone, or treating the person in the same way as usual without ignoring the fact that they are going through a very challenging time.

That said, there are some basic principles people can employ to ease the way for caring and meaningful connection while avoiding pitfalls than can cause upset."

Do's and Don'ts for speaking to people with cancer

• Do ask how someone is, but be prepared that they might not be open without encouragement. Perhaps ask them if they'd like to talk more about what's happening.
  
• If they do want to talk about their treatment and diagnosis, just listen. Don’t try to ‘fix’ things.
  
• Try not to assume anything from how a person looks. It's often hard to see how cancer and its treatment is affecting someone. It's also best not to comment on changes to someone's appearance. 
  
• You can always ask someone what they would like to talk about.
  
• Or, let them know they don’t need to talk at all – sometimes just keeping someone company is enough.
  
• Talking to them about normal things can also help hugely. Don’t apologise for your own life.
  
• Some words, phrases and expressions are best avoided. Try not to say ‘Stay strong’ or "Be positive" – they are trying to be these things already. Avoid "You should….." or ‘"You should have…." as it implies they haven’t thought of it or tried it already. And, as well intended as it might be, try not to say "Whatever you need just ask" – it leaves the onus on the other person to ask.
  
• Don’t simplify or compare to your own situations or other people you have known.
  
• Be sensitive to what the other person might not be saying – they might be desperate to go to bed and don’t want to hear about ‘good old Uncle Bob’ at that point.
  
• Don't worry if you get things wrong, it's ok to make mistakes. Just apologise and ask what the person needs from you.
  
  

Last review: Dec 2025 | Next review: Dec 2028