Coping with Mother's Day after a cancer diagnosis

Mother's Day – maybe you used to enjoy celebrating it, or maybe it never held much significance to you.

Yet after a cancer diagnosis, it can feel very different. Suddenly, the abundance of cards and flowers in shops can trigger mixed emotions.

Feelings of joy and gratitude can come with uncertainty, fear, guilt, sadness, grief, and exhaustion.

Dr Troy Chase, Clinical Psychologist at Maggie's shares expert advice on facing Mother's Day after cancer.

Why Mother's Day can feel hard after cancer

There are many reasons why Mother's Day can feel heavier than expected after a cancer diagnosis, and you may be experiencing more than one of them.

Loss of normality, and grief

Whether it is the quiet grief for how things used to be, the anticipatory grief of what's to come, or intense grief of losing your mum, Mother's Day can be a reminder that life is different now:

traditions that you used to have may be different or no longer possible
treatment, appointments or side effects may be interrupting your plans
you might not be feeling yourself, or might not be in the mood to acknowledge the occasion
you may be grieving or facing the possibility of losing your mum.

It is natural to miss how things used to be. Recognising that you're experiencing a sense of loss can help you approach the day with more patience and kindness to yourself.

Pressure to be positive

Mother's Day can be hard to avoid. Between the marketing emails, shop displays and social media posts, it can feel like everyone else is celebrating, and that there's an expectation for you to be cheery too.

You might feel pressured to:

put on a brave face
protect your children from worry
carry on with plans, even if you don't feel like it
reassure your own mum

You might be worried about spoiling the day or disappointing loved ones, but you don't have to carry the weight of everyone else's comfort on your shoulders. It's okay if your emotions don't match the mood of the day - give yourself permission to feel how you truly feel.

Fear for the future

Special occasions like Mother's Day can bring your deep fears to the surface:

How many more Mother's Days will I have?
What will this mean for my children?
Will my mum still be here next year?

Feelings of uncertainty and thoughts about the future may feel louder today. Noticing them as fears, without judging them, can help them feel less overwhelming.

Role reversal and identity changes

Cancer and the physical and emotional changes it causes can sometimes lead to roles being reversed.

Motherhood is often considered a caregiving role, associated with strength and stability. But after cancer, you might:

need to be cared for by your children
become a carer for your mum for the first time
be taking on both parental duties for you and your partner

This dynamic shift can feel disorienting, and you might feel a loss of identity or an unfamiliar sense of responsibility that's highlighted on Mother's Day.

Whether you’re learning to accept care, or finding yourself giving more of it than ever before, these shifts can take time to adjust to. Allow yourself that time and space to process what this change means for you.

Side effects and exhaustion

With all the will in the world, if you are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, you might simply not have the energy to embrace Mother's Day this year.

Whether you are experiencing side effects from the cancer and treatment, or you're physically and mentally drained from juggling caring with your other responsibilities and emotions, it’s okay if this year looks quieter, shorter or simpler than in previous years.

Practical ways to cope with Mother's Day after cancer

Dr Troy Chase, Clinical Psychologist at Maggie's shares some practical ways to cope if you are struggling with difficult emotions on and around Mother's Day.

Remind yourself that everyone copes with these days differently.
Give yourself permission to feel the way that you feel rather than the way you or others think that you should feel.
Try naming your feelings, as it's been shown that this can help. Say to yourself something like I am noticing that I am feeling sad, I am noticing that I am feeling angry, or I am noticing myself feeling numb.
Write down your thoughts and feelings on the day. A journal record can be a one-off event that you do not have to show anyone, and you might find it benefits you.
Ask yourself: 'What do I need today?' or 'What can I offer myself today to help me cope?'. Some will benefit from speaking to family and friends, whilst others will benefit from other things like going for a short walk or spending even 15 minutes in nature.
If your mother has passed, you may notice a benefit from lighting a candle, sharing memories of her with others who are dear to you, visiting either her grave or somewhere that was special to her or listening to music.
Do not rush yourself to feel 'better', even if you do something that you hope will help you. Emotions can come and go when they are ready. Please allow this.
Speak to a cancer support specialist at Maggie's. Our centres are warm and welcoming spaces where you can get professional support that can help you understand what it is that you're feeling and how to face the day. You don't need an appointment or referral - just come in.